Are you his mother or his lover? (no more need to nag, Sista!)

Do you find it difficult to play the role of LOVER, when you sometimes feel like his MOTHER? 

It's about 10 years ago now, that my husband and I sat down to have a very strong conversation about my role in our relationship. It was one of the best things I could have done for our relationship. Well, to be honest, it wasn't really a sit down conversation. It was more an initial yelling match, while I raced around our house picking up his crap!

The reason it was so important for me to address it with him, is simple. I can not possibly run around the house all day long, cleaning up after my man, my boys, and trying to get stuff done, and then jump into bed at night, and feel like a hot, sexy, lover! 

So, here are some tips ladies, on how to get the help you need, without coming across as a nag! Now, I know we ALL HATE that word, but the research shows that men often perceive women to be nagging when they are asking for help. This is an age old problem we have had to deal with ladies, so don't blast me for saying it, let's just find a way around it. 

Just a heads up...if you are a nagger, you may not even know you are nagging, so before we fix it, read below for signs of whether you are a nagger:

• You are often saying, I'm just reminding you...
• You say things like "if I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times..."
• You find your tone of voice changing
• You get hot in the face, and annoyed when you make your request
• The reaction you get from your partner is not cool!

The truth is, Honey, the guy in your life probably wants to do heaps of stuff for you. It's just how you position things that is going to make the difference between getting what you want, and getting pissed off with your guy.

So my research shows that women who ask for what they want confidently, without sending their man into overdrive with multiple instructions, is the gal who gets what she needs. 

And the cool thing is, he gets what he needs too, because a man who helps out is definitely more inclined to be having better sex - face it - there is no better foreplay than having a clean house, and all the chores done, right?

I was in the airport the other day waiting for a friend. As I was standing there, I heard a woman's voice quite loudly proclaim, "it's that way. The toilet is that way." I turned around to see who the the voice was coming from - a woman around my age, who was holding a man by the arm, and literally pushing him in the direction of the toilets. I watched this 6 foot man submissively follow the instructions of this woman, who I am assuming was his partner. 

He looked over to see me watching them, and at the same time, she saw me as well. She looked at me with that almost knowing look that said, "men! you have to literally wipe their bums for them!" And he looked at me with a very different look, that said, "women! She thinks I can't even wipe my own bum!" It was a very sobering moment for me. I felt deeply saddened for this beautiful man who probably spends his time thinking he had married his mother! Okay, well that is my perception of the situation. I certainly know I never want to find myself in that position, where respect is gone from the relationship, and the sex would be - well - maybe non existent!

When we treat our lovers like a two-year-old as opposed to the independent beautiful man he is, how can we

expect to then make passionate love with them when we get into bed?

So, here are my well researched tips on how to communicate what you want with your lover, and leaving him feeling like a man:

• When you want something done, ask him, don't tell him. You don't need to tell him how to do it, just trust that he will do it. (Except if its the washing - you might need to give instructions). 
• Give him a time frame to do it within, and ask him for his agreement - don't assume that because you asked him to do it, that he will, or that he wants to.
• Ask with a confident, strong tone of voice. When you use a high pitched tone, he is triggered by visions of you being his mother - this is a legacy that you didn't create, but you have to deal with.
• Ask him how he would like you to ask for help. He might surprise you! Once he shares this with you, you know that you now have a way of communicating with him that will get through
• If he doesn't do what you have asked him to do in the time frame, ask him if there is anything you needed to do differently to get his help. Put the onus back on him.
• Don't react to anything that comes up from him. If he calls you a nag, or freaks out, just listen. This will totally disarm him. He is expecting you to react - if you don't you are the one in control.
• Allow it to run off you - like water off a ducks back - it's not about you, Sister! 
• If he still hasn't followed through, it's time for a sit down conversation. This conversation will be about trust, respect and understanding. Explain how you feel when he doesn't follow through. The more you can talk about what is actually happening, the easier things will get. 

Couples tend to let things get out of control, and then find themselves screaming and shouting at each other. If you are able to maintain control, and speak to each other about the relationship, you will be able to work things out. Nagging, however, just continues to put a wedge between you, which takes it toll in all areas of your life.

Wishing you love and passion, Jacque 

Zen In The Den (create your love cave!)

Creating a sacred space for you and your lover to come together and celebrate your relationship is key to your relationship longevity, will have you wanting to spend time together alone, and will have others guessing what you are up to! 

It will also form part of you having mind blowing sex with your partner! 

If you normally use your bedroom as the place to talk about your finances, watch TV, have all of your arguments away from the kids, then how can you possibly expect to be having mind blowing sex in the same place?

The subconscious mind is extremely powerful. If you are generally in your bedroom doing things other than being intimate with each other, or sleeping, it will remind you of the other things you do. If, however, you are always in your bedroom feeling great, and have it as your pleasure zone, that is what your mind will lead you to think about. 

So, to make your bedroom Zen here are some tips for you:

• Do not discuss in any crucial family issues and concerns or past traumas in your bedroom. Any conversations like this are best done outside of the bedroom. Do that somewhere else. 
• Create an environment that you love being in. When you go into your bedroom make sure that everything around you is beautiful, clean, fresh, and inspiring. If you have lots of paperwork around, clothes all over the floor, week old sheets on the bed, you are not going to be able to get into the "zone" for intimacy.  The key here is to ask your partner for help and support when it comes to keeping the bedroom clean.
• Your bedroom is a sacred space, and is not the local hang out for your friends, or for your kids. Sure, they can snuggle every now and again, but your bedroom is your domain. At the very least you should be able to lock your bedroom door, so that when you are making love, you know you will not be interrupted. 
• When designing your bedroom, think of all the senses. Have candles and oils to satisfy your sense of smell and sight. For touch, include different fabrics that you can take advantage of, like a woolen rug on the floor. For sound, have access to beautiful soft music you can put on while you are making love. And for taste, well, I will leave that one to your imagination! 
• Have fun OFTEN! Having your bedroom set up as your haven will mean you have the chance to really appreciate each other, and to love your space. The more time you spend intimately with your lover, the healthier, sexier and happier you will be!